That Umbrella in the Water
by Trojan Snail
Summary: What if, instead of rescuing the boy in the water, Elizabeth saved the umbrella? Bloody parody. -Chap. 3 up-
1. There's an Umbrella in the Water

That Umbrella in the Water  
  
Summary: What if, instead of rescuing the boy in the water, Elizabeth saved the umbrella? Bloody parody.  
  
Disclaimers: I own Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. Yes, yes I do. And I own the Walt Disney Company too. I bought them off EBay.  
  
Tipsy the Vanilla Coke Can: LIAR!  
  
Warnings: Don't read unless you have a slightly twisted sense of humor. Or better yet, go ahead and read even if you don't have a slightly twisted sense of humor. That'll be fun to watch.  
  
~~ Chapter One ~~  
  
A miniature Elizabeth Swann was standing by the railing of some ship, singing in a sickeningly sweet falsetto voice about incredibly rotten dairy products for no given reason. This continued for a few verses until evil Mr. Gibbs felt the need to spoil Elizabeth's fun (and save the audience from growing bored), so he told her quite rudely to shut up or he'd throw her overboard. Future-Commodore Norrington then appeared and said that if Mr. Gibbs threw Elizabeth overboard he would be quite put out, seeing how he planned on marrying her once she grew old enough that people wouldn't give them suspicious glances on the street. It was about that time that Governor Swann told the whole lot of them to go away because his poor, unadulterated daughter wasn't allowed to hear of people being thrown overboard. Elizabeth informed her father that she found the subject quite fascinating.  
  
Eventually, the three men left to tend to other things and Elizabeth was about to return to her high-pitched singing until she just so happened to look down at the water. She smiled as an unconscious boy on spare driftwood floated by, but then noticed something out of the ordinary. She gasped.  
  
"An umbrella! There's an umbrella in the water!"  
  
"Umbrella overboard!" yelled the evil Mr. Gibbs.  
  
"Haul it aboard," Future-Commodore Norrington said. After the umbrella was somehow brought up to the deck, he announced to the concerned crew, "It's still breathing."  
  
Floating on top of a piece of wreckage, the now conscious boy cried, "Hey!! My umbrella!" and promptly passed out again.  
  
"Elizabeth, stay with the umbrella," the governor told his daughter, who scurried over to where the umbrella had been laid down.  
  
She reached out to stroke the umbrella, when it suddenly snapped shut on her hand. A shiny gold coin thingy popped out of the umbrella. Elizabeth caught it and gasped. "You're a... pirate umbrella!" she said incredulously.  
  
"Has anything popped out of it?" Norrington asked.  
  
"Er... ," said Elizabeth, completely inconspicuously hiding the pirate medallion behind her back, provoking absolutely no suspicion from the future-commodore.  
  
"I shall take your uneasy silence as a 'no', then," Norrington said, oblivious. "Take it below."  
  
~~ End of Dream ~~  
  
Elizabeth Swann, now either in her late teens or early twenties, woke up and stuff happened. The governor was told he had a visitor so he left Elizabeth suffocating in her corset.  
  
Meanwhile, in the entrance hall, the umbrella was lying in the middle of the floor. There was a narrow, black box next to it. Gov. Swann entered.  
  
"Ah, Umbrella, good to see you again." When the umbrella didn't answer, he bent down and picked up the box. "Oh, I see you have my order. I also see that the blade is folded steel and all that other crap that I shouldn't be able to see from just looking at the sword. Very impressive. Give your master my compliments."  
  
Elizabeth descended the stairwell.  
  
"Ah, Elizabeth, you look stunning," said the governor. He had been paid to say that to make Elizabeth look good in front of the umbrella.  
  
Elizabeth humbly ignored her endorsed father's compliment and approached the umbrella on the ground. "I had a dream about you last night, Umbrella."  
  
Silence.  
  
"About the day we met, remember?"  
  
More silence.  
  
"How many times must I ask you to call me Elizabeth?"  
  
When the umbrella again didn't speak, Elizabeth became huffy. "Good day, Mr. Umbrella." She and the governor left. The umbrella remained where it was on the floor.  
  
~~ Yay! It's Jack's Scene ~~  
  
Jack's wonderful scene happened.  
  
~~ The Commodore Becomes a Commodore ~~  
  
The Commodore became a Commodore.  
  
~~ The Commodore--- aw shit. Let's just say that Elizabeth dove off the cliff to get away from Commodore Norrington, who is a stuck-out pompous arse, but much to her disappointment was rescued from drowning and finally being rid of the idiot commodore by none other than the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow. The incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow then made an amazingly hot getaway and hid in the blacksmith shop where it just so happens that the umbrella worked. The incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow freed himself from the handcuffs (which is a dreadful waste of a really spiffy pair of handcuffs, if I do say so myself), and then the umbrella entered.  
  
Well, to say that the umbrella entered wouldn't be entirely all that true. It just so happened that in one shot, the umbrella wasn't lying in the middle of the floor, and in the next, it was.  
  
Anyway, the umbrella (who is, by no means, hotter than Captain Jack Sparrow) was staying perfectly still but Captain Jack Sparrow felt his beautiful hat (who gives good advice) was being threatened and felt the need to smack the umbrella with the un-sharp side of his sword.  
  
"You seem somewhat familiar," Captain Jack Sparrow said to the umbrella. "Have I threatened you before?"  
  
No response.  
  
"Ah, well, then it would be a shame to put a black mark on your record. So, if you'll excuse me--- "  
  
The incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow moved towards the door, but tripped over the umbrella and fell on his incredibly hot arse (hehe, I'm not even British but damn is that a fun word to type!!).  
  
"Do you think this wise, umbrella? Crossing paths with an incredibly hot pirate?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Only a little," said Captain Jack Sparrow as if in response to something the umbrella had said.  
  
Then the two found themselves in quite a one-sided wrestling match. The incredibly hot (but not too bright) Captain Jack Sparrow was throwing Umbrella around the blacksmith shop as if trying to prove that he, the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow, could beat up on inanimate objects like but not including umbrellas.  
  
Eventually Captain Jack Sparrow dumped a sack of red dust all over the umbrella and pointed a gun at it. "Pirate," he said for reasons unknown.  
  
"Move aside," the incredibly hot captain continued. Pause. "Please move." More pausing. "This shot was not meant for you." He then got (GASP) hit over the head and taken away by Commodore Norrington and thrown in the gallows.  
  
~~ To Elizabeth's Bedchambers!! Away!! ~~  
  
"It's been a difficult day for you, I'm sure," said the nosy maid to Elizabeth, putting a fire-breathing dragon under her covers to keep her warm.  
  
Elizabeth rambled and the maid was about to fall asleep right then and there had she not suddenly said, "But that Umbrella, it's a fine umbrella, too."  
  
"Are you proposing that Commodore Norrington is an umbrella?" Elizabeth asked, mildly angry.  
  
"Begging your pardon, ma'am, the authoress couldn't find any other way to phrase the sentence. It wasn't my place." The maid left the bedchambers.  
  
~~ Then Stuff Happened, Like the Black Pearl Coming ~~  
  
We see the umbrella lying in the middle of Port Royal while pirates pillage, plunder, and rifle the loot.  
  
~~ And Then They Took Elizabeth ~~  
  
"You have a name, missy?" Barbossa asked Elizabeth on board the Black Pearl.  
  
"Elizabeth... Umbrella," Elizabeth lied.  
  
"Miss Umbrella... " Barbossa emphasized to the crew.  
  
"Parasol... " muttered one of the pirates under his breath.  
  
Stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff...  
  
"Welcome aboard the Black Pearl, Miss Umbrella!"  
  
~~ Back at Port Royal!!!! ~~  
  
The umbrella is shown lying in the same spot it was last night during the attack.  
  
The scene then switches to Norrington and some others looking at a map. A machete is buried in the map and the view changes to that of the umbrella, motionless on the table.  
  
"Mr. Umbrella, you are not a military man, you are not a sailor. You are an umbrella. Blah, blah, blah," said Norrington.  
  
~~ To the Gallows We Go!! ~~  
  
The umbrella suddenly appeared in front of the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow's cell.  
  
"Aye?" said Jack, lifting his head.  
  
Silence.  
  
"I've heard of it."  
  
More silence.  
  
"Where does it make berth? Blah, blah, blah?"  
  
Stuff, stuff, stuff, stuffy-stuff...  
  
Cut to sudden image of Captain Jack Sparrow with the umbrella in his hand merrily skipping to the Interceptor, singing, "We're off to save the bonny lass, the love of that umbrella's life, because, because, because, becaaaaaaaaause!!!"  
  
After a lot of being the best damn pirate and having the best damn first mate, Captain Jack Sparrow and the umbrella managed to commandeer the Interceptor.  
  
"Are we to open fire on our own ship, sir?" some unimportant guy asked the commodore.  
  
"I would rather see it at the bottom of the sea than in the hands of an umbrella," replied the commodore poetically.  
  
~~ End of Chapter One ~~  
  
Will the Umbrella and the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow bond and become sorta-kinda-but-not-really-friends?  
  
Will our two heroes reach Elizabeth in time?  
  
Does anyone really want them too?  
  
Who wants me to kick Commodore Norrington in the arse?  
  
(Arse... Teehee!!!)  
  
Stay tuned for the next chapter, which I'll write when I'm inspired!  
  
(Or when I've just drunk Vanilla Coke, EITHER WAY!)  
  
Ta! 


	2. Dananana Dananana Pig Man

That Umbrella in the Water  
  
Summary: You know the summary, foo'!!!!  
  
Disclaimers: ...  
  
Tipsy the Vanilla Coke Can: Don't say it...  
  
Disclaimers: But---  
  
Tipsy the Vanilla Coke Can: Don't!!  
  
Disclaimers: I---can't---help it---I OWN THEM!! BWAHAHA!!  
  
Tipsy the Vanilla Coke Can: You sad, sad creature...  
  
Warnings: *I* OWN THEM! ME! ME!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
Tipsy the Vanilla Coke Can: Those aren't warnings?!  
  
~~ Chapter Two ~~  
  
As the Interceptor sailed away, we have a fantastic view of the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow and the umbrella, who is lying on the deck with a loose rope next to it (yes, we can see the umbrella on the deck. The Interceptor has a... uh, low railing).  
  
"That's got to be the best damn pirate/umbrella combo I've ever seen," said the unimportant guy.  
  
"So it would seen," said Norrington with a very I'm-in-a-pissy-mood look on his face.  
  
~~ Interceptor!! Woot woot!!~~  
  
"Yes, yes, Umbrella," Jack was saying, "that's an incredibly amusing life story, to be sure, but your father was a bloody pirate."  
  
Pause. "Yes he was."  
  
Pause. "He was!"  
  
The incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow swung one of the sails so the yard caught the umbrella (who was still on the deck... yes) right in the umbrella part of the umbrella and held it over the water. Yes, I am quite competent at umbrella anatomy.  
  
The umbrella dangled from the pole by its handle. Jack wasn't quite sure if it was listening to him or not, but he opted for "yes" and began talking for awhile about the little pirate that can or can't, and how the little pirate wanted to get up the hill but couldn't because he wouldn't believe his dad was a pirate even though it was quite obvious that he WAS... However, Jack's inspirational story was not for naught (not for naught... ) because the fanchildren in the audience were positively melting over his voice. The end.  
  
Well, that was a fun paragraph.  
  
Anyhoo, after the incredibly hot captain felt that the umbrella now fully understood the fact that its father was a pirate, he swung the yard back around and allowed the umbrella to return to its spot on the deck.  
  
"Tortuga," said Captain Jack Sparrow, offering the umbrella a sword.  
  
~~ Toooooooooooortuuuuuuuuuuuuugaaaaaaaaaa ~~  
  
"Tortuga is, basically, the pimp city," Jack was explaining to the umbrella, who, by umbrella-standards, shouldn't have been able to keep up with Jack as he walked, was somehow *magically* always next to the incredibly hot pirate.  
  
"I'll tell ya mate," Jack said to the ever-listening umbrella, "if every city was like this in the world, there'd be a lot more HIV."  
  
As in of on cue (and most likely on cue), a woman who at first glance looks a bit like a transvestite approaches Jack and slaps him.  
  
"So now you're hanging out with umbrellas, is that it?!" the woman/transvestite screamed at poor incredibly hot Jack. Then she turned around and huffily walked away.  
  
"No it's not like that, Scarlet!" Jack said, only to be slapped by another woman who was definitely a woman who had appeared out of nowhere.  
  
"Ow," said the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow, being very witty today.  
  
~~ Pig Man, da-na-na-na da-na-na-na PIG MAN ~~  
  
A man wearing a pink leotard with "PM" on the front is sleeping amongst a pile of dirty pigs. We see through a conveniently-placed window that a spotlight resembling something of a piggy is being... spotlighted... into the sky. The pig man, named Pig Man, suddenly jumps up and yells "GASP! I must save the day!" before flying out of the conveniently-placed window to presumably go save the day. The pigs follow suit.  
  
The evil Mr. Gibbs then walks in from off-stage eating a jelly donut. "'Ello, Jack," he says to the incredibly hot pirate who has just entered the scene.  
  
"'Ello, Gibbs," says Jack.  
  
~~ In that prostitute-ridden rum-serving tavern ~~  
  
"Keep a sharp umbrella-equivalent-of-an-eye," Jack told the umbrella, before going over and sitting down at a table with the evil Mr. Gibbs. The umbrella remained propped up against a random pole in the middle of the tavern.  
  
Gibbs and the incredibly hot Jack talked for a bit about stuff that really doesn't concern the umbrella until SUDDENLY it concerned the umbrella so then we start hearing about it in detail once more.  
  
"Let's just say it's a matter of leverage, aye?" Jack said. He looked over to where the umbrella was STILL propped up against a random pole in the middle of the tavern, but this time a drunken giraffe wearing lingerie is leaning up against it, cuddling. The umbrella is tilted away from the smelly animal.  
  
"Oh, you mean the umbrella," Gibbs returns, nodding in understanding.  
  
"No, fool, it's the---wait, you're not supposed to pick up on the obvious!"  
  
"That's because I'm not the obvious!" the so-called Gibbs says, unzipping the back of his head and becoming... PIG MAN (da-na-na-na da-na-na-na PIG MAN)! "Awaaaay!" He flew off.  
  
The real Gibbs came back holding a fresh mug of rum and sat down at the table across from Jack. "Now, what's the nature of this venture your'n?"  
  
Jack pouts.  
  
~~ On the Peeeeeearl: A Quick Summary ~~  
  
"You are eating with the Captain tonight."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"We are consumed pirates."  
  
"No you're not."  
  
"Yes we are."  
  
Stab.  
  
"Haha, told you."  
  
"Oh no!"  
  
~~ The Tortuga Crew That's as Crazy as Jack but not Nearly as Incredibly Hot ~~  
  
Woo!! I caught the piece of popcorn I dropped before it hit the floor!!! Go me!  
  
~~ On the Interceptor... Again! Woot! ~~  
  
"Aye, but we're not trying to find north, are we?" Gibbs said to the silent umbrella.  
  
"We're not?" asked a crew member wearing an "I Heart North" t-shirt.  
  
~~ Elizabeth is brought to the cave ~~  
  
Yes, yes she is.  
  
~~ On the Interceptor... AGAIN! Woo---nah. ~~  
  
Gibbs proceeded to tell the umbrella, who (quite frankly) couldn't give a damn, about the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow's past, exaggerating just the tiniest bit about the parts when ravenous hyenas tried to steal this hat and when the palm trees killed his only island friend.  
  
"Young Mr. Umbrella and I are to go ashore," Jack informed Gibbs and the umbrella, after wrecking their tea party (but still being incredibly hot while doing so).  
  
"Captain," said Gibbs, "what if the worst should happen?"  
  
"Get me the hell out of there, moron!"  
  
"Aye."  
  
~~ In a boat that is NOT the Interceptor, because it's too small, you see ~~  
  
"Pirate's code," Jack said, answering a question that was never quite asked. "If the worst should happen, run away like a little sissy and beg for mercy if they catch you."  
  
Silence.  
  
"You know, for hating pirates so much, you're well on your way to becoming one," the incredibly hot Jack went on to say. "First off, you're wearing that ridiculous eye patch." Cut to an image of the umbrella, motionless on the seat next to Jack, with a cheap dollar-store-kiddy-Halloween-pirate- costume eye patch around what we can assume is the face.  
  
"And second... you're a treasure-junkie." Pause as the two are seen watching Barbossa and his crew say things and do stuff and WOW look they have Elizabeth. Then, "Not all treasure-junkies die muttering to themselves in a padded room, mate."  
  
Several coins fall out of position and make the noise coins make when they fall out of position, however the pirates in the cave don't seem to notice.  
  
"Not yet. We wait for the opportune moment."  
  
The umbrella implies something along the lines of "You bitch! You're not in this to save Elizabeth at all!" Yes, the umbrella IMPLIED it. Wondering how? Don't.  
  
"May I ask you something?" Jack says, slightly annoyed, to the umbrella, getting unnecessarily close to it and moving his hands quite near to the umbrella-equivalent-of-a-chest (one of my favorite scenes, mind you... but we won't go into that now). "Have I ever blah blah blah? Try not to be stupid, you stupidheaded stupid thing that's stupid."  
  
"Blah blah blah BLOOD!" Barbossa yelled to his crew.  
  
"Rarr!" yelled the crew.  
  
"Blah blah blah MORE BLOOD!" Barbossa yelled.  
  
"Rarr!" yelled the single-vocabulary crew.  
  
"Blah blah blah whole bushel of apples," Barbossa finished dramatically, cutting Elizabeth's hand and sending her into a screaming fit so loud that he hit her to make her shut up and she fell backwards and out of sight of the crew.  
  
Suddenly, unbeknownst to the crew of the Pearl, Jack fell over and for the second time in this parody became unconscious. The umbrella was seen with an oar lying next to it.  
  
~~ The Ending of the Chapter: Another Quick Summary ~~  
  
"Did it work?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Bummer."  
  
The umbrella and Elizabeth escape, *somehow* with the medallion.  
  
"Rarr!"  
  
"Let's mutiny!"  
  
"Rarr!"  
  
"No you can't do that we must be friends."  
  
"Deflated 'rarr'... "  
  
"You're supposed to be dead!"  
  
"No, it's okay, I'm good. My head hurts a little though... "  
  
"Now we will kill you without any regard as to how important you are to the plot!"  
  
"No you can't kill me! Pursey! Potty! Party! Parley! Pocky!"  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Pocky?"  
  
"No, before that one."  
  
"Oh, parley!"  
  
"Bummer."  
  
~~ End of Chapter Two ~~  
  
Will the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow run away like a sissy and beg for mercy if he's caught? (ha, no!)  
  
Will the crew of pirates ever learn words other than 'rarr'?  
  
Probably, seeing how that will get old real fast?  
  
That's not a question?  
  
I know?  
  
Stay tuned for the next chapter, which will pop into my head sometime during now and Christmas and I'll get it down on Word sometime during when it pops into my head and the Christmas of next year!  
  
(... Maybe I'll just stick to "when I'm inspired".)  
  
WOOT WOOT to Vanilla Coke!  
  
PS: Due to popular demand, I did NOT kick Norrington in the arse. You Norrington-lovers.  
  
Ta! 


	3. Shiny Gold Coin Thing

That Umbrella in the Water  
  
Summary: Once upon time there was a jawbreaker. The jawbreaker was happily being devoured by a young girl when it rolled out of her hands and across her bedroom floor. The young girl seemed upset. BUT THEN she picked it back up, removed the hairs, and continued licking it.  
  
Alright, so that wasn't the summary. But it was based on actual happenings. Sadly enough...  
  
Disclaimers: *Cut to a padded room with Trojan Snail in a strait jacket inside, rocking back and forth and muttering about how she owns PotC and Disney*  
  
Tipsy the Vanilla Coke Can: *shakes head sadly*  
  
Warnings: Warnings, says you? Don't try to disclaim that you own stuff that you don't own, says I.  
  
~~ Chapter Three ~~  
  
Elizabeth is brought on board the Interceptor. We see that she has a gag in her mouth and she's holding the hand that Barbossa cut, which has ceased to bleed. Muffled screams are heard.  
  
The umbrella appears on deck also.  
  
"Welcome aboard, Umbrella," says the evil Mr. Gibbs. Elizabeth stomped her foot. "Oh, and you too, Miss Elizabitch---beth, I meant 'beth'."  
  
Elizabitch---beth, I meant 'beth', gave Gibbs an suspicious glare but said nothing---partially owing to the fact that the gag was still in her mouth and anything she would have said would've come out as "Mrph".  
  
"Hey wait," said Gibbs. "Head count!! One, two... where's Jack?"  
  
"Mrph?" said Elizabeth. "Mrph mrph-mrph?"  
  
"He fell behind?!" Gibbs said after he received what he thought was a response from the umbrella. "Mary, Mother of God! We must keep to the code and rescue him!"  
  
Suddenly, Cotton's parrot flew over and landed on Gibbs's shoulder. It informed Gibbs that rescuing the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow would be straying from the original script and that it would force the authoress to be creative in making the fic return to the movie plot. Gibbs changed tactics.  
  
"I mean... Mary, Mother of God!" he said. "We must look off in Jack's direction guiltily and then continue on with our sailing as if nothing happened!"  
  
The crew and (presumably) the umbrella spared the direction of the pirate's cave one fleeting glance before returning to all that normal stuff that pirates do on board their ships. The Interceptor started to sail away.  
  
~~ In Da Cave, Yo ~~  
  
"They're sailing away?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
~~ On Da Ship, Yo ~~  
  
"Did you hear something?"  
  
"No, and get back to sailing away from the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow."  
  
~~ Back In Da Cave, G ~~  
  
"Blah blah blah whose blood do we need?"  
  
"I know whose blood you need," said the incredibly hot *trumpet fanfare* Captain Jack Sparrow, who had since composed himself after learning that his crew was sailing away from him.  
  
~~ Away from the blah blah blahs.on Da Ship!! ~~  
  
Elizabitch---beth, I meant 'beth' and the umbrella were sitting at a table below the deck. Actually, just Elizabeth was sitting at the table. The umbrella was sprawled on top of it... but one can ASSUME it's sitting because, well, you don't know what an umbrella looks like when it's sitting, DO YOU?  
  
"Mrph," Elizabeth began, still wearing the gag in her mouth. "Mrph mrph mrph mrph mrph---" She was suddenly cut off when none other than Pig Man (da-na-na-na da-na-na-na PIG MAN) flew in, grabbed the gag out of Elizabeth's mouth screaming, "I'VE FOUND THE GOLDEN GAG!", and left the scene. This not only proved to be quite entertaining for the audience, but it spared the authoress the trouble of going through the whole story with Elizabeth saying nothing but "mrph"---although that doesn't sound like such a bad idea...  
  
The umbrella proceeded to bandage Elizabeth's only-slightly-wounded hand. That is to say that in one shot, Elizabeth's hand wasn't bandaged, and in the next, it was. One can ASSUME the umbrella bandaged the hand but hey you seem to be assuming a lot of things don't you. Yes, that is not a question.  
  
For reasons unknown, Elizabeth felt drawn to reach into her dress and pull out the shiny gold coin thing---  
  
The medallion?  
  
---the SHINY GOLD COIN THING and hand it to the umbrella.  
  
"Mrph mrph---I mean, it's yours," she said, avoiding the umbrella- equivalent-of-eye-contact with the umbrella.  
  
"Because I thought you were a pirate," Elizabeth then said, even though the umbrella hadn't made any sort of movement to suggest that it had asked Elizabeth a question. "Worse, I thought you were a butt pirate. That would have been awful. I hear those butt pirates are prone to getting really nasty sexually transmitted diseases."  
  
An awkward silence followed only because Elizabeth chose not to talk at that moment. Then Elizabeth said uneasily, "You're not a butt pirate... are you?"  
  
The medallion was somehow slammed down on the table. Elizabeth "mrph"ed and fled the scene.  
  
Yo ho, yo ho, a butt pirate's life for me...  
  
~~ Numba One In Da Hood, G---I'll stop, really ~~  
  
"Blah blah blah sail away on my ship?"  
  
Barbossa and the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow were in *reads from the script* "Captain's cabin of the Black Pearl"---really? Oh, guess they were... anyhoo, I just beat my brother in Simpson's Road Rage!! Er, okay, I GUESS I can be relevant... so, as I was saying, Barbossa and Jack were on da ship and Jack was looking incredibly hot and Barbossa was looking incredibly old.  
  
"No," Jack said. "It's my ship, you meanine fo feanie fi fy fo deanie."  
  
My spell check is going wild, in case you're wondering.  
  
"It's my ship!"  
  
"ISLAND!"  
  
"Wha... ?" said Barbossa.  
  
"Well," said Jack. "I WAS going to say that I'd strand you on a beach with absolutely no name at all and shout the name back to you when I sail away in MY-EYE-EYE ship. And then I was going to say 'savvy?' and look, if possible, even MORE incredibly hot, but then I realized that I didn't know the name of the beach I'd be stranding you on, so I just winged it and yelled 'island'!"  
  
There was a long silence following Jack's explanation.  
  
"... Jack?" Barbossa said finally.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Remember that talk we had about being relevant to the story?"  
  
"... Yes... "  
  
~~ Back on THE (yes, not DA) Intacepta ~~  
  
"Argh! Insert pirate talk here!" said the evil Mr. Gibbs.  
  
"What's happening?!" Elizabeth said, knowing nothing of pirate talk but still picking up that it wasn't looking too good.  
  
For the first time EVER in this fanfiction, Anamaria makes an appearance!! *trumpet fanfare*  
  
"The Black Pearl," she said dramatically. Bongo drums could be heard in the background. The crew started snapping in time to them. "She's... gaining on us."  
  
"Oh... my god," Elizabeth said, trying to sound as equally dramatic.  
  
"Let's throw... stuff overboard," Gibbs said. The bongos and snapping stopped.  
  
"WOOT!!" yelled the crew, all of whom had wanted to throw stuff overboard since they got on the ship.  
  
The crew moved about the Interceptor, tossing random stuff over the sides and laughing as the sharks tried to eat it and got indigestion.  
  
"Sharks are silly," said a crew member, only to be pushed overboard as a prank by his mates. He was devoured within seconds. The crew turned white and edged away from the scene, whistling innocently.  
  
"Now we should load the guns!" Gibbs said. "... Well shit, I guess we should have loaded the guns BEFORE we threw everything overboard."  
  
Nevertheless, random utensils were shoved into the cannons, which are NOT guns at all, and the evil Mr. Gibbs is just one very confused personage.  
  
"Look! I know pirate talk!" Elizabitch---beth, I meant 'beth' said. "Lower the anchor on the starboard side! Bwahaha!"  
  
"But that... is daft," said Anamaria dramatically. Bongo drums were heard momentarily.  
  
"Damn straight!" Gibbs said. "Lower da anchor!"  
  
"Look! I know how to steer a ship!" said Elizabeth. "Let go of the steering wheel, 'cause THAT'S smart!"  
  
Anamaria let go of the steering wheel and the ship swung around and stuff was working according to plan when all of a sudden the Pearl appeared alongside the Interceptor and instead of launching a surprise attack on them, the crew just leaned over the railings and yelled tauntingly at Barbossa and his men. Ah ha, this paragraph is 67 words long. No, that is not relevant.  
  
"Rarr!" yelled Barbossa's crew threatening.  
  
"Ohmigod! Ohmigod!" yelled A Random Crew Member on the Interceptor. "They have GUNS (cannons)!!"  
  
"You fool!" yelled Gibbs, although this is definitely straying from the script. "We've got guns (cannons) too!"  
  
"But they're filled with UTENSILS!!" pointed out another crew member. "How the hell are we supposed to win when we're armed with UTENSILS?! Huh?!"  
  
Both ships got real quiet.  
  
"... Eh," shrugged Gibbs. "Worth a try."  
  
"Rarr!!" Barbossa's crew started again.  
  
"EEEEEE!" returned Jack's crew.  
  
Then everyone looked towards the umbrella that was currently propped up against a mast or something convenient. The umbrella presumably gave the signal.  
  
"FIRE!!!" yelled Gibbs.  
  
"FIRE!!!" yelled Elizabitch---beth, I meant 'beth'.  
  
"RARRRRR!!!!!" yelled Barbossa and his crew.  
  
~~ Meanwhile, Elsewhere ~~  
  
As I forgot to mention, the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow was in a prison cell below deck. Don't ask when he was taken capture, he just was. And he was currently wondering why on earth he kept hearing the distinctive sound of utensils hitting pirate ship wood and, more distinctively, pirates.  
  
I mean... come on... UTENSILS?!  
  
A particularly nasty round of cutlery was fired at the Pearl.  
  
"QUIT FIRIN' UTENSILS AT MY SHIP!" the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow yelled, but then realized that a fork had become lodged in the cell's lock and this somehow caused the cell door to swing open. "Oh... " said Jack. "... Never mind!" He left through the unlocked door.  
  
~~ Partay Over Hurr!! (a summary) ~~  
  
"We're screwed."  
  
"Let's surrender Elizabitch---beth, I meant 'beth'."  
  
(If the umbrella could talk, it would have said): "No they want my shiny gold coin thing."  
  
"Medallion?"  
  
"Oh no! The shiny gold coin thing isn't between my boobs!!"  
  
"... Ewww."  
  
"Blah blah blah BRING ME THE SHINY GOLD COIN THING!!"  
  
"... We're screwed."  
  
~~ End of Chapter Three ~~  
  
Will the entire crew on the Interceptor be screwed?  
  
Will people finally learn the name of the shiny gold coin thing?  
  
Will we actually call Elizabitch by her real name?  
  
I THINK NOT!  
  
BWAHAHAHHAAHA!!!  
  
Patience is a virtue, missy, so if you stick around, I promise I'll get the next chapter out a helluva lot sooner than this one. Really! Expect it before Christmas!! BWAHAHA!!! Until then, stay hooked on Vanilla Coke.  
  
Ta! 


End file.
